I was in my office the other day, and our front gal came back to let me know of some customers who were giving her a hard time.
I use the word “customers” loosely, as they hadn’t actually purchased anything.
She said that they walked straight to a table and sat down. They were the only ones in the dining room at the time, and they announced that they were just “taking a break from walking” and mentioned how cold it was outside.
Then, they proceeded to eat the red pepper flakes that are on the table and complained that their mouths were burning; could they get some water?
She gave them the water and then came to the back to get me. She wasn’t sure how to handle these guys, and said that they were making asses of themselves.
I walked out to the dining room and stood at their table. The smell of marijuana was overwhelming, and it was obvious that these two guys were stoned.
“What are you guys up to?” I asked.
“Nothing,” said one of the guys, who wore a huge spike in his bottom lip.
“Well, we aren’t an establishment that allows loitering,” I said.
“We’re not loitering,” IdiotSpikeLip responded. “We’re just hanging out.”
They both laughed.
“Do you know what loitering means?” I asked. “It means ‘hanging out’ without being a paying customer.”
“Oh,” IdiotSpikeLip answered. “Well, we don’t have no money to buy some pizza but I wish we did. I’m starving!”
They both laughed again, and I realized that these two very special young men weren’t getting my drift.
“Listen,” I said, placing both of my hands on the table. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for two obviously stoned guys to be hanging out at a restaurant that is frequented by so many cops. I mean, those guys are in here all the time and can smell pot a mile away. Shoot. Just yesterday we fed Turbo some pieces of pepperoni right there in the parking lot.” (Turbo is our local drug dog that makes headlines, and who also does love pepperoni.)
I watched as the paranoia set in. Oh, yes, this was fun. Their smirks disappeared, and they took a couple of quick glances out the windows.
“Yeah,” the other guy said while standing up. “Um. Well. Yeah.”
They both decided at the same time to get the hell out of there.
I waved at them as they crossed the street when they turned around to see if I was still watching.
Of course I was still watching! What fun is paranoia if someone isn’t watching you?
I’m such a buzz-kill.