Reefer Money

By the end of the day our till smells like pot.

It’s usually after we ring up the deliveries for the day – the cash reeks of marijuana.

If cops really wanted to crack down on drug use, I would recommend getting a part-time job as a pizza delivery driver.

I took two deliveries yesterday to sketchy houses; one guy answered the door obviously stoned to the hilt, the other was a crack head who checked out the window at least five times to be sure I wasn’t followed. The interior of the house was trashed with junk food wrappers and trash all over the floor, a mangy, growling dog being held by a lady in pajamas, and various old tools scattered on every table surface in sight.

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We once had a kid (about 20-years-old) come in with a friend – they were so stoned they could barely read the menu. Finally, they decided on building a pizza and just read the back of the menu which lists all 65+ toppings that we offer. Big mistake. $42 dollars later, they were eating a pepperoni, crab, shrimp, oyster, blue cheese, pepperoncini, red onion, sausage, salmon, cashews, everything-that-sounds-good-’cause-we’re-stoned pizza. The thing was monstrous, and they just sat in the back of the dining room, moaning as if it were the best thing that they’d ever eaten.

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Stoners are good for business. Let’s get high and order pizza. I honestly don’t mind the pot heads. They’re mellow, tend to tip the driver well, and are always in good moods. It’s the crack heads that scare me.

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This one guy – I don’t know if he’s a crack head or just a raging alcoholic – but I won’t deliver to him anymore. He’ll call in the order, slurring and slow, but when you get to his house with his pizza he isn’t prepared to pay… almost as if he doesn’t remember ordering it. One time, he was passed out on the sofa in his tighty-whiteys with the screen door wide open. I didn’t see him until I knocked and he jumped up and grabbed a nearby hunting knife. Crazy, right?

Another time, he called after his delivery and chewed out the front gal telling her that he paid for a giant pizza and only got a large. He cussed and screamed and so she just kept hanging up. Finally, one of the guys from the back answered the phone pretending to be an answering machine: “Thank you for calling Paizano’s. Our kitchen is now closed. We will reopen tomorrow at eleven. Good bye. BEEEEEEP.”  The guy swore into the “answering machine” and didn’t call back.

I still won’t deliver to him, but we still have one driver that takes pity on him and agrees to serve him.

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With our POS system, we have the ability to leave notes regarding each customer. We use this function to document this type of thing, just so that we’re more able to handle individual situations.

We’ll write “Crackhead” or “repeat the order multiple times – always complains that something’s wrong”. We flag the delivery addresses that match those of sexual predators so that we don’t send a female driver. If someone is a big tipper, we’ll star their account with “route first – great people” so that they get stellar service.

Is this considered “profiling” ?

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5 Responses to Reefer Money

  1. Pizza Girl says:

    Profiling is a good thing sometimes. I wish that I could read notes on my customers instead of having to guess. I think our notes would mostly be “always quote hour delivery time, will demand free pizza if even a minute late”.

    Have you ever noticed that stoners order a lot of ranch dressing?

  2. monkeyinabox says:

    If anything needs a “reality” tv show, it’s your business. 😉

  3. Missy says:

    I think it’s considered learning from experience, honey!

  4. Calhoun says:

    You can learn all valuable life lessons in elementary school. This is lesson #9, “Treat others how you would like to be treated.”

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