I wish I could turn my mind off.

I had the day off today. Only eight hours instead of eleven.

But yes, I did enjoy having three hours off this morning as I sat awaiting a call for backup at the restaurant.

Bah.

I spent the next eight hours working in the kitchen breaking sales records for a Sunday afternoon and night (as far back as I had the patience to compare). October is typically slow, as is January and April. Perfect times for vacationing.

I need to skip town soon. My grandma is not doing very well, and I’ve been coached that she’d rather see me now than have me at her funeral. That’s a sad thought. She’s 94-years-old, and still tenacious and feisty… but still. She’s old.

If I were to walk in to her hospital room tomorrow morning she’ll still know exactly who I am and get teary-eyed. Every time I see her she reminds me that I’m the reason she even gave birth to my “father” (who I couldn’t pick out of a lineup). It kills me. She loves him, as all moms love their kids, but to have her say that to me just tugs tugs tugs at my heart.

A friend of mine took his life a few days ago. He was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and has had a wife and two children. He didn’t want to bankrupt his family with medical expenses and decided to end his own life. I’ve been hurting just thinking about what he was thinking about, and hurting thinking about his wife and how much she hurts. His selfish act wasn’t intended to be that. But it was. And now I’m crying again.

I wish I could turn my mind off.

Just sleep.

Isn’t it strange that the health, acts, issues of others are what cause our own worries and anxieties?

I’m fine. Healthy. Happy.

Yet I’m just ready to tune out and drop in. Tune in and drop out. Something like that.

 

 

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This entry was posted in All About Us, Bummer, Friends, Giving Thanks. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I wish I could turn my mind off.

  1. JB says:

    Sending love, peace, joy and hugs your way. Hoping you two can get away for a few days?

  2. First, my heart goes out to you.. So very sad about your friend, and his family…
    And, I think we walk the same path at times. My Grandma will be 98 next month…she still lives at home. And, alas, in 2 weeks I get to jump on a plane to fly down to CA for a bittersweet reunion with my High School friends of 30 years. One of our own is also dying of cancer and we are all getting together, to celebrate her life before she moves to her next destination….
    Peace be with your heart.

  3. Shannon says:

    My dad said the same thing about my grandma … go see her now in case she passes away.

    Hugs! Thinking of you.

  4. Jen says:

    Hugs… I need to visit my Grandpa too!

  5. adrienne says:

    It’s not surprising you can’t turn your mind off since you certainly have much to think about and feel right now. I hope you get some time to go see your Grandma and process the loss of your friend. Big Hugs!!! *** if you need some cake … 😉

  6. Missy says:

    Most.Depressing.Post.Ever.

    Sorry that’s where life is right now with you. Not fair at all. Wish I were there to give you a great big hug and buy you a beer. xoxo

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